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The Demon in the Box

There has been a lot of debate over the years about children and television.  How much is too much? What is the appropriate length of exposure?

For the majority of my life, I have viewed this debate with a skeptical eye.  ”Surely these people have too much time on their hands or else they have something against Disney.”

But after three children I can definitively say this…yup, they are right to worry.

My oldest son is the case in point.  The following is a representation of his behavior as it relates to television exposure.

  • No TV time = a sweet boy, attentive to his brothers, curious, and very conversational.
  • Half-hour of TV = loses attention span, no longer able to self-entertain.
  • One hour of TV = hitting one or both brothers becomes vehicle of entertainment.
  • Two hours of TV = power of speech limited to, “You never get me anything special,” followed by whatever the toy industry has to offer during the commercial breaks.
  • Two hours plus = demonic possession, body levitates, head spins while vomiting.

Now, before you ask the logical question of “What in the world is that kid watching?” let me tell you…it doesn’t matter.  From Curious George to the local news, whether Wild Kratts or an informercial, they all turn my son into a raging a-hole.

And keep in mind that this is the child who the teachers love.  He is engaged, respectful, and sweet…until you wheel in the TV.

We have taken to calling periods with zero screen time as “detox periods”.   This term may sound extreme, but believe me it’s not. Once, after two days without any screen time, I caught him hiding in a closet with my iPad freebasing Sesame Street.

Our other children do not have a similar reaction to the box, but they get to  suffer the consequence of their brother’s problem.  We never set out to be “those parents”. You know the ones, those who only let
their kids have educational toys and allow them to eat only locally-grown, organic food.  Instead, we always took the mindset that our children need have fun while also handling most things in moderation. With TV, our oldest just isn’t there yet.

I have always been a fan of a quote by James Dobson about a parent’s job being to guide kids “from dependence to independence”. We ultimately want him to be able to make these choices on his own.  For now, though, we are weekend-only television viewers trying to impart lessons in moderation.

On the plus side we’ll know we are when successful when his damn head stops spinning.

They Call Me Gringo

Following my sudden and unexpected unemployment a few months ago, I wound up facing a choice. While I interviewed for new positions, a seemingly endless process, I could either sit around home waiting or take a temporary job in the meantime.

The presentation of this choice took a subtle form and went something like this:

Shelley: “So…planning on putting pants on today?”
Me: “Nope.”
Shelley: “I think you are.”
Kids: “Mom, why is daddy starting to smell funny?”
Me: “I need to work.”

Rather than accelerate what in my house we call a “marriage builder,” I took a job with a construction company building commercial grain bins.

Should have paid attentionThis seemed like a good idea for a few reasons. First, the pay wasn’t bad and the owner of the company was under no illusion that I would be maintaining my employment any longer than necessary. And second, I was a combat engineer in the Marine Corps. How hard could this be? (I was clearly neglecting to acknowledge the fact that fifteen years had passed and my physique is significantly more doughy than it once was.)

I had no idea this temporary job would turn into three-and-a-half months of hard lessons.

Not necessarily hard in the sense of the work, but hard in the sense of coworker relations. You see, only one of the twenty or so crew spoke any English, and he quit before I did. So much was the cultural difference that I was referred to as Gringo as opposed to, say, my name.

Through trial and error I discovered three very distinct universal languages.

The first was forklift signals. These are basic hand gestures that are the same in Nebraska as they are in Dubai. For example, a closed fist indicates “stop”. They satisfied the need for basic directional instructions.

The second universal language was swearing. Swearing satisfied the need for more emotional or urgent communications. For example:

D*mn! = “This 300 pound panel is crooked, and we are going to have to remove it to get it aligned.”
Sh*t!! = “I seem to have lacerated my finger. I think I might need medical attention.”
F*ck!!! = “Jose is dead.”

Until my English-speaking cohort quit, these first two languages were about the extent of our communicating as a group.

It wasn’t until after my friend quit, though, that the third universal language revealed itself. Much to my surprise, it was kids.

Once I was the only remaining native English speaker, I found that the other guys started feeling sorry for me and became more willing to attempt conversation. The most common opening personal question was, “You have kids?” I found it fascinating that these guys who had so few English skills would go to that question first.

“Yes,” I would respond. “Three boys, and you?”

“Santo vaca que está loco!” Translation: Holy cow you are crazy. “Yes, a son and daughter…no wonder you look tired.”

This exchange repeated itself a dozen or more times and had a couple of outcomes. We not only developed a familiarity with one another, since we were all working towards getting home to our kids, but we also finally became a team. I also had the closest thing to friends on the job that I’d had in a month or more. And since we were commonly working 14 hours a day, it was nice to have a few buddies around.

These men worked twice as hard as I did for less pay and patiently waited 4 hours for me in a McCook, NE, Emergency Room before driving my dehydrated and heat-exhausted ass 3 hours home in the middle of the night. Language barrier or no, these were good, hard-working men.

Our companionship became apparent not because we started hanging out after work or chatting about the latest ball game; rather, it revealed itself when they stopped calling me Gringo.

After three months of working with these men, I finally became Chris.
I’ve never been more proud to be called by that name.

Daddy Musings, where have you been?  

We’ll just say it’s been rough around here.  Just to summarize . . . lost my job, spent the summer working construction with some individuals of “questionable citizenship,” got another job, yada yada . . . more on that another time.

It was a trying time at la casa daddy.  Even though I’m one of those people who doesn’t get down when times are tough, I do lose my sense of humor.  And let’s face it, what’s a more entertaining read . . . me whining or me laughing?

Duh…

Funny has found it’s way home, so I’ll be back to regular weekly posts.  And what better way to return to the blogosphere than with a game I like to call “Children’s literature or nervous breakdown? You decide!”

It is like it sounds. I’m going to provide you with a quote that’s been rattling around in my head. It is either going to be from a children’s book or a schizophrenic episode, tell me which you think it is via the comments here or Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Daddy-Musings-Adventures-In-Parenting/ for the more than 3,000 of you who have not yet liked it yet).

So here we go . . . 

Quote #1:
“and an oyster and clam aren’t real family…so I don’t want to live in the sea.”

Tough Love

So my oldest has apparently hit the age that brings on honest observation.  A sample of a recent conversation:

“Daddy…Rowan, Mommy and me all have hair and you and Corbin don’t.”

“That’s right son.” I responded, curious as to where this was headed.

“But Corbin will grow hair and you won’t.”

Somewhat surprised I responded, “That’s right son, daddy doesn’t have hair anymore.”

“And your beard has white in it.”

Ouch…

For this special edition of things overheard in my house, I bring you a sampling of the discussions that occur in my minivan.  Now, I would like to say I spent weeks compiling these…but who am I kidding?  These were all said during a twenty-minute ride to Grandma’s.

On poor planning:

“Oh my goodness I forgot diapers and now I smell poop!”

“The poop smell was me, but we should probably still grab some.”

 On self-control:

“I need help!”

“Son, you’re whining.”

“Because I need help!”

 On helpfulness:

“Rowan, is Corbin awake?”

“CORBIN!!!….he’s awake.”

On timing:

“Wow…I have to poop.”

And just for good measure:

“My pee pee kind of tingles.”

It is remarkable to me how many new and expectant parents I am exposed to these days.  It must be that since I am a parent I notice these things more, either that or the abstinence programs in schools are a dramatic failure.  Either way, there are a lot of them.

I love new and expecting parents because they are so full of enthusiasm…and fear.

Whether you’re new or expecting, rest assured that parenthood gets easier.  With time, especially if you procreate like a drunken Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day, you will get more confident in your parenting as your children multiply.  That confidence may be misguided, but at least it will help you sleep better.

Here are a few examples to prove my point.

Example 1 – The gear

1st Child: After an anxiety-laden trip to Babies-R-Us, the shell-shocked expecting couple comes home having registered for a stroller, playpen, highchair, and car seat, all matching, as well as bedding and baby items galore, all “necessities” and all costing more than the down payment to their first home.

2nd Child:  A month or so before the second baby is born, the slightly more comfortable parents wash the hand-me-down clothes, clean up the gently worn baby gear, and set up the nursery for baby’s arrival.

3rd Child:  On the way to the hospital, the weary Mom wonders if either of them brought any onesies up from the basement or bought any diapers or wipes but then figures that the hospital will provide those things for a few days anyway, so they’ve got time.

Example 2 – The baby sitter

1st Child: “Little Timmy just ate but can have a snack of 14 Cheerios or bananas cut up in 1/8” pieces at 6:00 p.m.  His bedtime is 7:00 p.m., so no TV, and he’s used to 3 stories.  If you need anything at all, we will be at the restaurant until 7:30, have a fifteen minute drive to the movie, and will be there until 11:00 p.m. and both of us have our cell phones.”

2nd Child: “Bedtime is 8:00 p.m., keep the TV to a minimum, and snacks are in the fridge.  Dad has his cell phone if you need anything.”

3rd Child: “Just don’t kill them.”

Example 3 – The utensils (for ease of reference see “Open Letter to Family Restaurants”)

1st Child: “Oh, honey, look! Baby has a spoon!  Quick, get it out of his hands before he hurts himself!”

2nd Child: “Honey!! The kid has a butter knife…get it before he hurts himself.”

3rd Child: “Honey…he’s got the paring knife again…”

“Sounds like a teachable moment…I’ll get it in a minute.”

Example 4 – The diaper

1st Child: “Honey, baby just wet his diaper.  We need to change him.”

2nd Child: “Honey, could you change baby’s pants when you get a few minutes?”

3rd Child:  Author’s note—a size three diaper can hold a quart of liquid…enough said.

While these examples are, for the most part, extreme, they are not that far off.   Soon you will see that there are already enough worries in life.  As long as your children are loved, safe, fed, and clean you are doing all right.

And even clean is relative most of the time.

 

 

 

 

 

Quick note

Hello all, I write bearing a warning.  A post showed up here earlier that would have delivered to subscribers, you will know it because it was both poorly written and made no sense whatsoever.

Please disregard it.  One of my accounts was hacked and sent a blast spam message…an impressive feat since the password for that account was an obscure Star Wars reference translated into an inactive Farsi dialect.  But alas, people have a lot of time on their hands.

My apologies, and again please just disregard.

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